52 sunsets

This week I had the honour of showing off this wonderful place to my Norwegian visitors, Henrik and Silje. Taking a drive around the penninsula should be a compulsory weekly event so all Capetonians. Driving back through Misty Cliffs is a awe-inspiring experience making you realize that although the city life has it’s man-made excitement, nothing quite beats the majesty of raw, unpredictable nature. I’m quite happy in this place - I love the surroundings, the beauty the emanates from every corner, the quirky diverse people and the uncharacterizable energy that flows through everything.

But there’s something missing. It’s not something physical either - everything that I could want or need is available. No, it’s something missing from me. Something I’ve been looking for my whole life which is still eluding me. It’s the sense of completion in myself, the self-contentedness and acceptance of myself as whole and complete as I am. The knowledge that ‘I complete me’, not anyone else.

I’m starting to feel ambivalent about this though. Part of me feels this need to be complete in myself, but there’s another part telling me ‘it doesn’t work that way.’ This part reminds me of my intrinsic belief that we are all a part of God and that if we are to know God, we need to not only know ourselves, but to also know those around us, our ’soul-group’ and soulmates. The more we understand the relationships between us, the more we solidify our understanding of and relationship with our true God nature.

Then another part of me (yes, this is getting a little DID) asks: ‘So when are you going to get the time to know yourself, know others, know God and still get these websites finished on time?’ Pertinent question. I keep saying there’s not enough time for everything, but I know that is a cop-out. The problem is what I end up spending my much-treasured time on. It’s certainly not always constructive and it’s definitely not always focused on expanding the clarity necessary for astute observation.

And this brings me back to the same position I seem to be in again and again. I need focus and clarity, but pursue instead a state of intoxication and hedonism. Hmmm. There’s a bigger picture here somewhere. Let me stand back a bit…

“A merry-go-round. Merry for a while, going round, but be careful - too many revolutions and you’re likely to lose more than your lunch.”

I find it a little odd that my drive for a healthy clean lifestyle keeps getting subverted by my own doings. When everything is in alignment I can clearly see the path in front of me, the road towards the goals I dream about. But I think that for some reason I get scared of it. Almost force myself to fail. I ‘fuzz’ things up - I get drunk and lose myself in a safe womb of inebriation. It’s easy to be inspired by ideas in that state. What’s harder is taking that rough diamond and sculpting it into something beautiful, clear and most of all, finished. My drawer is full of fantastic ideas and amazing concepts but remarkably empty of finished creations.

That’s what this ritual is about though. Slowly putting the pegs is the ground and marking out the foundation. My foundation is an inner one. A spiritual and emotional foundation that I feel I’ve been missing since Bruce left. For this I need clarity. And I’m going to get it again. Just watch me.

“Turn the dial, find the spot where the static phases out and the music phases in. Now stay there.”